Cowsmic View of World Organisations - now with Financial Crisis
Each complex system can be explained, ideally in simple terms, e.g. with the simple example of having the reader imagine, that they "have two cows".
I'll start with all those, which have been circling the Internets for quite some while. I have no idea who owns the copyright.
Further down you'll find new contributions:
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singapore Democracy
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours kill you and take the cows.
Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Hong Kong Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Counter Culture
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Japanese Democracy
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.
European Federalism
You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor, which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.
Eastern European Democracy
You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbours or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbour or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.
Finnish Socialism
You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realise that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realises that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.
Democrat (US)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Republican (US)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one. Ralph Nader wins the election.
And now, as promised, a few New Contributions (by yours truly)
Austrian Corporation
You have 2 cows. One has a honorary doctorate, the other carries the title "Unechter Hofrat". You found committees, commissions and subcommissions, which decide on the directors of the farm. One has to be from the SPÖ (Socialdemocrats), the other from the ÖVP (Austrian People's Party, liberalconservativ), but they are chosen solely because of their qualification. The opposition protests, as they did not get a sinecure.
The social partners decide in a closed meeting, how the milk is distributed. This decision is only provisory, but is followed for decades.
Swiss Corporation
You do not have cows. You care for the cows of others and are paid for it. Generously.
New Zealand Corporation
You have 2 sheep.
Norwegian Corporation
You have 2 sheep. You live far away from bigger settlements. You'd like to move to the city and breed cows instead of sheep, but the government pays you subsidies, financed by the oil, so you stay where you are.
Clippy
You have 2 Cows. It looks like you are writing a letter.
Elisabeth Gehrer (former minister of education in Austria)
You have 2 cows. You call one "Cow of excellence", but ignore the other. You introduce barnyard fees.
BAWAG
You have 2 cows. You lose the milk in the Caribbean. The SPÖ gets the blame. Elsner writes poems.
And now, as promised
Financial crisis
You have two cows. Transient workers in the neighbourhood buy your milk. You decide to grant them generously payment deferrals: They receive milk today, but have to pay at a later date.
It gets around and more and more people make use of your offer.
The young, dynamic consumer consultant of your local bank realizes that your customers' debts are high- value future revenues. So he raises your credit line massively. After all, there is no risk, your customers guarantee with their debts.
Your turnover rises, you buy another cow and raise prices.
At the head office of your bank, experienced bankers transform those customers' debts into COWBOND and MILKBOND, which are soon traded worldwide successfully. The buyers do not know exactly how they work or how they are collateralized.
Someday a risk assessor (who got fired later, for being "negative") decides, your customer should now pay for the milk they bought - and drank. However, many of them only receive minimum living wage, and cannot pay.
The prices of the bonds sink dramatically.
Your veterinary, who granted you payment deferrals and has investend in the bonds, files for bankruptcy. Your animal feed contracter is taken over by their competitor.
You cannot pay your monthly installment and have to file for bankruptcy as well.
The bank is saved by the state.
(even more - in German - here)
I'll start with all those, which have been circling the Internets for quite some while. I have no idea who owns the copyright.
Further down you'll find new contributions:
Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.
Bureaucratic Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as many eggs as the regulations say you should need.
Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
Dictatorship
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
Singapore Democracy
You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed animals in an apartment.
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.
American Democracy
The government promises to give you two cows if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate".
British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours kill you and take the cows.
Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
Hong Kong Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.
Environmentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.
Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo-centric, war-mongering, intolerant past) two differently aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.
Counter Culture
Wow, dude, there's like... these two cows, man. You got to have some of this milk. Far out! Awesome!
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
Japanese Democracy
You have two cows. You give the milk to gangsters so they don't ask any awkward questions about who you're giving the milk to.
European Federalism
You have two cows which cost too much money to care for because everybody is buying milk imported from some cheap east-European country and would never pay the fortune you'd have to ask for your cows' milk. So you apply for financial aid from the European Union to subsidise your cows and are granted enough subsidies. You then sell your milk at the former elevated price to some government-owned distributor, which then dumps your milk onto the market at east-European prices to make Europe competitive. You spend the money you got as a subsidy on two new cows and then go on a demonstration to Brussels complaining that the European farm-policy is going drive you out of your job.
Eastern European Democracy
You have two cows. You sell the milk (diluted with some water) at a high price to the neighbours or to anyone at the open-air market. If somebody asks for receipt, you charge for a two times higher price, so nobody will request an invoice. For concerned families with small babies you claim that the milk is "bio", though you collect the grass for feeding at the side of the highway and you keep the milk in plastic barrels used previously as containers of dangerous chemicals. Later, your neighbour or anybody from town will steal the cows and will buy their meat for a high price, and if you ask for a receipt, you will be charged for a two times higher price.
Finnish Socialism
You have two cows. Soon you have to kill one of them because in the Netherlands there is an overproduction of milk and the European Union rules say so. When you do so, you realise that it was not necessary, only the system was too slow in getting you the up-to-date news. From the stress, you get an ulcer in your stomach so you go to a doctor. The doctor realises that this ulcer is a serious one, so you need an urgent treatment. Therefore, you soon get a call to the local hospital. The call's date is for 3 months later, because there is a queue with more urgent cases. Then your ulcer becomes even more serious because you remember that 40 percent of your income is taken for social tax.
Democrat (US)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who put a tax on your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.
Republican (US)
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?
Florida Corporation
You have a black cow and a brown cow. Everyone votes for the best looking one. Some of the people who like the brown one best vote for the black one. Some people vote for both. Some people vote for neither. Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the best looking one. Ralph Nader wins the election.
And now, as promised, a few New Contributions (by yours truly)
Austrian Corporation
You have 2 cows. One has a honorary doctorate, the other carries the title "Unechter Hofrat". You found committees, commissions and subcommissions, which decide on the directors of the farm. One has to be from the SPÖ (Socialdemocrats), the other from the ÖVP (Austrian People's Party, liberalconservativ), but they are chosen solely because of their qualification. The opposition protests, as they did not get a sinecure.
The social partners decide in a closed meeting, how the milk is distributed. This decision is only provisory, but is followed for decades.
Swiss Corporation
You do not have cows. You care for the cows of others and are paid for it. Generously.
New Zealand Corporation
You have 2 sheep.
Norwegian Corporation
You have 2 sheep. You live far away from bigger settlements. You'd like to move to the city and breed cows instead of sheep, but the government pays you subsidies, financed by the oil, so you stay where you are.
Clippy
You have 2 Cows. It looks like you are writing a letter.
Elisabeth Gehrer (former minister of education in Austria)
You have 2 cows. You call one "Cow of excellence", but ignore the other. You introduce barnyard fees.
BAWAG
You have 2 cows. You lose the milk in the Caribbean. The SPÖ gets the blame. Elsner writes poems.
And now, as promised
Financial crisis
You have two cows. Transient workers in the neighbourhood buy your milk. You decide to grant them generously payment deferrals: They receive milk today, but have to pay at a later date.
It gets around and more and more people make use of your offer.
The young, dynamic consumer consultant of your local bank realizes that your customers' debts are high- value future revenues. So he raises your credit line massively. After all, there is no risk, your customers guarantee with their debts.
Your turnover rises, you buy another cow and raise prices.
At the head office of your bank, experienced bankers transform those customers' debts into COWBOND and MILKBOND, which are soon traded worldwide successfully. The buyers do not know exactly how they work or how they are collateralized.
Someday a risk assessor (who got fired later, for being "negative") decides, your customer should now pay for the milk they bought - and drank. However, many of them only receive minimum living wage, and cannot pay.
The prices of the bonds sink dramatically.
Your veterinary, who granted you payment deferrals and has investend in the bonds, files for bankruptcy. Your animal feed contracter is taken over by their competitor.
You cannot pay your monthly installment and have to file for bankruptcy as well.
The bank is saved by the state.
(even more - in German - here)
pantywaist - 23. Feb, 10:48
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